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Finding My Backbone by Anonymous
I joined a program with an idea in mind: to get sober and stay sober. So, when I heard, "You don't have a backbone," I didn't know what that meant. I looked at the people that were telling me I needed a backbone. Some I admired, some I felt needed something to stand for, like they would sell their souls to the devil to get what they wanted. This program teaches us to process information, so that is exactly what I did.

I knew who I was and even more where I've been. I've been a whore for my drugs. I've been a thief. I've been a sorry ass mother, and even worse wife, sister and daughter. I stood for things I thought were good. I stand in front of you broken, but whole. I've given up everything that was me. I'm no longer a wife, a sister, or a daughter. I'm still, and always will be a mom because that never changes.

Now I know I am better. So when they say backbone, I know I have pride, but I still don't understand. What does "backbone" mean?

Now I remember when people said I had a backbone. When me and husband bought our first house, and I rented the one across the street for my mom and sisters. When my mortgage got paid and their rent got paid. When I bought groceries, they got groceries. When my kids got shoes, their kids got shoes. Now if that's what they called having a backbone, I think not.

Now, there was a time I recall having a backbone and I really thought I was the shit. I had the best cars and no gas; I had the most modern home, and no lights. My husband and kids were the best dressed, but no food in the freezer. My kids didn't even go to school. So, that's what I relate to having a "backbone." If that's what it is, well, I don't want it. Nor, do I need it.

I'm still wondering, what is a backbone?

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